


Hold Back the River

by mohawke



Series: Golden [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Babies, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family, Hurt/Comfort, Noodle Babies - Freeform, Plot, Post Trespasser, Trespasser Spoilers, cullenmance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 17:18:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5098883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mohawke/pseuds/mohawke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Trespasser Cat breaks down. Cullen is going to be there to help her put herself back together.</p><p>Cat and Cullen's post Trespasser story. Spoilers, obviously.</p><p>Explicit chapters will be marked in the notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt

**Author's Note:**

> Cat struggles to deal with what happened at Halamshiral. 
> 
> AN: I made Cat left-handed, so she lost her sword hand.

The journey back to Skyhold is torment. All Cat can think of is the phantom ache in her left arm-what remains of it, at least. She avoids the worried glances she can feel Cullen and the others giving her, keeping her eyes cast forward. Once they reach the gates of the keep Cat excuses herself and retreats to her quarters. _A one handed warrior…_ She laughs bitterly, shaking her head with disbelief. 

Cat sits down on the end of the bed, eyes focused on the worn wooden floor. It doesn’t seem real, any of it. All of it was set into motion by a mistake. _Corypheus was right about that…poor timing put me at the center of it._ For four years she’d worn the title, the _Herald of Andraste_. For four years she had helped to try and restore order. She’d shed plenty of blood and sweat…now the tears came. 

She wept for those they had lost, the ones _she_ had failed. She wept for the fallen Wardens and the Templars. She wept for Hawke, who’d simply given her a confident smile as he turned back towards the Nightmare demon at Adamant. The tears slide down her cheeks, hot and wet. She hasn’t cried like this since-Maker, she’s not certain she’s _ever_ cried this hard before. The force of her sobs wrack her body. For once she doesn’t fight it, doesn’t hold back. She welcomes the tears. Eventually the sobs subsist and she falls asleep, the sun still high in the sky as she drifts off.

Cullen must have come to check on her, she realizes when she stirs awake a while later. Her boots are off and she’s underneath the covers. The guilt washes over her, drowning her like the avalanche at Haven. They’d talked about leaving Skyhold and moving to somewhere in Ferelden once they had put the business of the Exalted Council to rest. The night they had said their vows they had lain together entertaining names for their future children, the little curly haired Rutherford’s they would have running around. He’d looked at her as if she were mad when she said she wanted all of them to have hair like his. Cullen had told her how beautiful she’d be when she was with child. He’d slipped those clever fingers of his between her thighs, whispering in her ear of how he couldn’t wait to fill her with his seed, watching her stomach swell as their child grew within her. She’d nearly come undone at his words alone. Again she lets the tears fall as she thinks of fledgling fantasies that will not come to be as she burrows further under the covers. 

She’s not sure when he returned, the room now illuminated by the glow of a fire and the moonlight streaming through the stained glass panels. “Cat?” his voice is hushed and hesitant. She stifles a cry, biting her lip hard. Pain…pain she can do. This isn’t pain. This is heartbreak, anguish. It’s her hopes and dreams, childish fantasies being snuffed out. _He deserves better. Maker’s breath, he deserves the life we talked about. Someone who can hold him through the nightmares. He doesn’t need to be tied down to someone who can’t even swing a sword anymore…_ She lets out a choked sob. “Cat? What’s wrong?” She can hear the despair in his voice, the words coming out strained. She simply shuts her eyes, the nails of her right hand gripping tightly into the flesh of her palm. She allows the tears to fall in silence, letting out a sigh when he pads out of the room, the door closing behind him with a soft click.


	2. Seven devils in my house

Cullen walks down the stairs, not quite sure where he’s heading. He finds himself in front of the door to the chapel. With a weary sigh he pushes it open. He lights a candle, kneeling on the stone floor. His mind is blank. He can’t recall a single line of the Chant. Instead he weeps silently, resting his forehead against his steepled fingers.

With a gusty exhale the former Templar wipes at his eyes. He can feel the chill of the night air seeping into his bones and a wave of weariness washes over him. He stands, looking over at the statue of Andraste with a heavy heart. He makes his way across the keep to his office, climbing the ladder to the loft he hasn’t used in years. That night he dreams. He dreams of Kinloch and Kirkwall, the fears and failures from his past. These dreams are joined by a new one. One of her, broken and fading.\


	3. Lay my heart down with the rest at her feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after their return.

Cat just barely manages to muster the energy to slip from her bed when the sun streams through her quarters. The guilt hits her like an armored fist. She looks over at the right side of the bed. It’s still neatly made. Her heart sinks further as she clamps her hand over her mouth to silence a soft cry.

She sits on the end of the bed, staring vacantly at the floorboards. Her head jerks up when the door swings open. “Cullen…” she whispers his name as he steps across the threshold. She shakes her head as he draws closer to her. “Don’t. You deserve-“

Anger flashes across his face. “What is this, Cat?” His tone is even, but there’s an edge to it. She shrugs, not daring to look at him. “ _Cat!_ ” he snaps her name angrily and she _finally_ looks at him. “What?! What do you want Cullen? Whatever it is, _I can’t give it to you._ ” 

She can see the play of emotions across his face, anger warring with sadness and confusion. _Good. Anger will make this easier..._ “Dammit Cat! What do you need me to do for you?” 

She scoffs “ _Everything_ , Cullen. That’s the problem!” His face softens and he sits down next to her. “Maker’s breath…” Cat turns her gaze back towards the floor, tracing patterns against the wood with her toe. “You shouldn’t have to spend your life with someone who can’t even tie her boots. We-“ she stubbornly tries to hold back tears. “We were going to start our lives together, start a family. We were going to teach them to walk, hold them when they cried. We were going to show them how to hold a sword, to defend themselves. I was going to bake cakes on their birthdays. _But I can’t Cullen_ …not anymore. I can’t wield a sword. I can’t change a child… _I can’t even wear my wedding ring on the correct hand…_ ” 

The room is silent as she stands and walks out onto the balcony. A moment later strong arms encircle her. “I don’t care about any of that Cat…all I want-“ he clears his throat “All I _need_ is you.” She shakes her head, twisting to face him. “But-“ Cullen kisses her and her words die out. 

“You don’t get to make this decision for me, Cat.” He cups her cheek in his palm, thumb stroking along her jaw. “I made a vow to you and I intend to _keep that vow_. You have my _sword_ , my _hand_ , and my _heart_.” He says it with conviction, the same conviction she fell in love with four years ago when she first talked to him at Haven. “All that matters is you being _alive…_ ” He whispers the words and Cat leans into his embrace. "We'll figure out the rest later."

A memory of Cole's words springs to her mind. _Safe and solid, protecting and proud._


End file.
